Against the odds: A doctor’s mental health journey in medical school

Laura Oler

Nottingham Alumni

Mental health can affect anyone but given the age of most university students and the additional pressure, it is highly likely to happen whilst at university. They’re meant to be the days of your life but life doesn’t always work like that…

I never thought it would happen to me.

I always thought anxiety happened to people who worried about things. To people who got stressed about every little detail. I thought it was more of a personality trait than an illness. I’m not an anxious person, I thought.

I always thought people who were depressed were negative. I thought they were lazy and didn’t do enough to help themselves. I didn’t understand.

Suicide was something I was exposed to at a young age. It blew my mind that people who went to my school felt that hopeless that they could do that. I saw the effect it had on a whole community. I thought I would never ever consider it. But then I got that low. It’s not a selfish decision, in fact it feels selfless, and like your life is a massive burden and it’ll be a relief to everyone. It’s a dark place that is incomprehensible until you’ve been there.

I also thought people with mental health conditions wouldn’t make good doctors. That they would never cope in a stressful environment.

I went through years of naivety and blissful ignorance. It then crept up on me. The first few times when I felt hopeless and hated myself and my life, I pushed down those feelings and used avoidance tactics such as watching endless episodes of comedy TV programmes, pushing my body to its limits in triathlon training and going out and getting blackout drunk. For a brief period of time it did work. I recovered and it cemented my belief that I wasn’t ill, that I could help myself. Friends encouraged me to talk to someone, but I never did. I often think would things be different if I’d sought help earlier? Would I have even got ill if I hadn’t gone to medical school? Life is full of what ifs and there’s no point agonising over them.

By the time I got to 4th year I was very much in denial of my own mental health. I used avoidance tactics all year and it almost worked. Almost. I made excuses and told myself I was just stressed and everyone was in the same boat. And to be honest, most of us were. The year was 42 weeks long with lots of emotionally taxing placements and an unrealistic workload. This, alongside a 20% fail rate, made for a real battle with any demons that were pre-existing, as well as bringing in new demons. I wasn’t coping. I buried my head in the sand. I ended the year underweight, exhausted and seriously mentally unwell. I failed my exams, let’s face it I was just not well enough to pass. In our practical OSCEs, anxiety does you no favours. I completely froze up in one station and ended up getting 4% in it!

After failing my exams I cried all day. I was on holiday at the time, and again buried my head in the sand and continued the holiday like nothing had happened. When I got back things were bad. I felt worthless and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I had absolutely no self-belief. With resits coming just 1.5 weeks after result, I had no hope. There simply wasn’t enough time to get the right help. My friends were there for me and eventually I told my parents honestly how awful I was feeling and my mum came up to stay. Then my family went away on holiday. Well, I wasn’t about to ruin their holiday was I?

I had to start the next year before knowing results and if I’d be staying. That was hard. I refused to go to the year group photo as I knew I wouldn’t be in the year for long. I saw the GP for extenuating circumstances, they gave me some meds and waved me away. I agonised over the decision of whether or not to take them in the end I did. It had helped friends, and I was desperate, I’d try anything. A good friend of mine recommend a different GP, I saw her and felt super supported. I was referred for CBT on the NHS.

I recovered. A mix of settling into a new year, being surrounded by supportive friends and family, therapy and medication helped.

But that wasn’t the end of it.

I had a good year. I spent more time with friends, got into a relationship, started to excel on the course and I signed up for an ironman. Mistake number 1. Because I felt well I felt like I had to do everything at once and make the most of it.

Ironman training was hard. Starting 5th year was hard, I went from knowing all the answers to once again feeling out of my depth. I had also accidentally (yes, really) come off my SSRIs, I kept forgetting to take them and felt I didn’t need them anymore. I moved house, with housemates who weren’t around as much and didn’t know me as well. The ironman didn’t go to plan, the bike was cancelled due to flooding.

There was no one trigger but multiple things added up and contributed to poor mental health once again.

This time I knew what to do. One night I went to bed early as I was shattered and I couldn’t sleep. My heart was pounding and my thoughts were spirally anxiously. I booked a GP appointment the next day and restarted the medication.

The problem with antidepressants is that they can take weeks-months to work and the initial side effect is worsening of anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Great. The next few months were a real battle. I got lower than I’d ever been before. I would go to bed at night hoping not to wake up in the morning, not so much in that I wanted to die but more that I didn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with the awful physical anxiety symptoms and go through it all again.

I started another medication, which helps with anxiety and sleep. And eventually, 3 months later I recovered. In this time I had a total of 7 days off placement. For me, being busy kept me going, it distracted the anxiety and was an outlet for the nervous energy. It doesn’t work for everyone but it worked for me. My medical school tried to push a year out but I resisted and wow am I glad I did. Because I’m proud and grateful to say that today I found out that I passed my final exams and will start working as a doctor in August.

I am proud to say I’ve battled anxiety and depression. I am pleased I have insight into my condition and know what helps me.

I truly believe I have a lot more empathy and maturity because of it and that it will help me and not hinder me in my future career.

As always, if you want to share any of your experiences at medical school with us, email us at welfarehub.nottsmed@gmail.com or fill out the form below. If you’re struggling with any other issues, have a look at our website to find some resources that may help you including our CRISIS page.