Trauma

Dana

1st Year GEM Student

Diagnosis of Grave

“Diagnosis of grave”, a few words that have stuck in my mind after listening to the TED TALK by Elyn Sacks following the launch of her autobiography “The centre cannot hold”.

“Diagnosis of grave” was the paraphrase used by Sacks’s psychiatrist to describe a state of such severe mental illness where a person is

physiologically functioning but emotionally the impending sense of doom is such that the feeling is about not living, being buried.

I have experienced that very emotional state: being physiologically alive but emotionally dead. With a diagnosis of Complex PTSD and traits of Emotionally Unstable Personal Disorder, mainly due to serious traumatic events in childhood and adolescence, at times my only purpose in life has been self-destruction. My main goals were to punish and inflict all the pain possible to the person I was, a person who was not worthy of life. The only mitigation to that feeling, the only moments of joy were given by academic success. Postgraduate studies and post-doctoral appointments in prestigious universities in bioethics had stopped the vicious circle of self-destruction for a few years and made my usual symptoms more easily tolerable.

Then academic positions rejections, loss of loved ones, inability to find a purpose in life outside the comfort zone of academia became the reasons behind a bad relapse.

And the vicious circle of self-destructive behaviour, hospitalisations, crisis team interventions went into full activation once again.

Until one day, at the lowest emotionally and physically in ICU, one of the doctors assessing me, with moving kindness told me “As a doctor I wish I could prescribe something for you that could make you see the beautiful, intelligent person you are, that could make you realise how much you have to offer. Think about what is that you would like to be.” I was so positively surprised by those words that my answer was “A good doctor like you.” That emotional response turned into a more structured plan of action for the future. I needed to start from a clean slate with humility to rebuild my life. So I decided that I wanted to try Graduate Entry Medicine. While preparing for entrance I studied A-Levels in Maths, Chemistry and Biology and worked as an HCA in a psychiatric unit.

Working through the goal of getting a place into a medical school has been a powerful motivator in my recovery process, a focus beyond the self-destructive impulses. When in May I ended up with 3 offers for a med school place out of 4 interviews, after a long time I felt sheer happiness.

Now I have started GEM Medical school in Nottingham and though there is heavy workload, usual problems associated with the running of NHS and universities, the pleasure of studying medicine is undimmed. This joy of the practice of medicine has given me emotional strength that has had a very positive impact on my overall mental health.

There are some tricks I use for my own wellbeing and promoting an open dialogue about lived experience of mental health among medics is one of them.

You will be surprised at the number of people with similar experiences of suffering and recovery.

Sharing together in safe places is extremely beneficial when struggling emotionally. I also love cats and spend time with them as much as I can either volunteering in cat shelters or cat-sitting. Ballet classes and walking by the sea are other hobbies that make me feel relaxed. I find it also a game-changer to reach out to friends and spend some quality time with them.

I am a late-thirties, foreign medical student with a diagnosis of severe MH AND A PROSPECTIVE DOCTOR. Passion for medicine has given me a new lease of life. Suffering from mental illness and being open about it has not made me a worse medical student than others.

Quite the opposite:

having declared my mental illness fully from the very start I have received the right support from university. Currently I have full attendance and done well in my initial assessments.

Only anecdotal experience: but still a few words to encourage med students to reach out for help when struggling emotionally. Also a humble example that suffering or having suffered from mental illness does not prevent an academically talented individual to become a doctor.

As always, if you want to share any of your experiences at medical school with us, email us at welfarehub.nottsmed@gmail.com or fill out the form below. If you’re struggling with any other issues, have a look at our website to find some resources that may help you including our CRISIS page.